Edge of darkness

Nightmares for the advanced

....I could literally feel the coldness in the landscape, see packs of wolves driving thru the windblown snow in the intense dark blue winter night, the reindeer standing nervously to the side, the dogs anxious, airing their close relatives. And I was wondering about these newcomers, standing there with me, people not living outside, whose idea of an outdoor meal would be a nicely decked table in a quiet garden in summer, not dried meat and seething hot tea while lying on my back in a snowdrift to get out of the wind. I think all these thoughts struck me and immediately and irrevocably set me aside, like a wide chasm driven around me, talk about mind power...

But there is something about the personal physical experience and its reality, although your friends and family invariably will demand you forget and retune your memories to something socially acceptable, not to mention recreate them from villains to heroes, it’s not like you can leave your mind behind, I had that dream again last night. It used to be I’d dream about loosing a finger, keeping it in my pocket all day, waiting for somebody to take the time to drive me to the O.R. it was invariable too late, and often they would say straight out that they never intended to drive me in the first place, they just said it to keep me quiet, and that that kind of medical attention was way too sophisticated for someone like me, a simple worker and slave. In the dreams I would be living under the stairs on a couple of blankets, pretty much like a dog, stealing food.
Now the dreams are more complex, they come to me and say that with my condition they need to remove my arm (or sometimes arms, hands, legs) never giving a diagnose. Sometimes they say it is because there is a change in my arm, so it looks like an arm, (and functions like an arm for me…) but due to the fact that it is changed and not “proper/correct” any more they don’t need me to have that arm anymore. I ask what I’m going to do without the arm and they say it is not a problem because I will not do work demanding two arms anymore. And I keep thinking it’s not the arm, it’s the work, adapting me to the job, to the society, the family and only being able to do that thru major physical damage and loss, handicapping me forever. I fear this night...

posted by Fawn @ 3:09 PM